i thought about just listing all of the things i've learned this year and all of the ways i've grown...but that seemed to be too numerical and wouldn't really take into account that which i cannot quantify. that which has changed the most seems to be not that dramatic...one year ago i was looking at the world through clear eyes...this analogy is turning out to be difficult to produce...it's as if my field of vision was overwhelmed because i wanted to see everything. i saw possibilities everywhere and i admit that i wasn't entirely overwhelmed...only, i think, because i didn't realize how much there is to know about everything. it's like i was looking at a gestalt...i didn't see all the little pieces...just the entire image...just the end result, i guess you could say...just what i wanted to do and be...everything i wanted to learn about was in front of me but it was a chunk...it wasn't overwhelming that way. i guess it was like looking at a tree....i saw the tree; i saw the branches, the leaves, the bark. i knew there were processes i would have to understand and relationships i couldn't yet see. but i think i failed to grasp that which i see now. i don't see a tree. i see the composition of bark (even though i don't really understand it), which is separate from the process of photosynthesis, which is separate from symbiotic relationships that make up the tree ecosystem. i know it's a tree, but i don't see it anymore. so it seems that i've learned about all these parts of a whole, and they're all still a mystery to me. i've only just begun to understand the relationships, the processes, the composition, the mechanics of what i've learned so far. it's overwhelming because i can't see the image anymore. or rather, i can see the image...but i'm so preoccupied with the pieces that i've lost sight of the image. this seems like a defeatest message...and here i was trying for lighthearted. actually, it's amazing...it's a light bulb moment. this is helping me summarize my biggest frustration this year. a huge part of counseling is the conceptualization. it's the part where the counselor tries to figure out..based on all of the evidence...why the client is the way the client is. it's a theory. a hypothesis. it's what ties all of the pieces together. each counseling theory draws upon different themes to explain a person's self. usually, mental health professionals choose one or more based on personal philosophy, outcome research, and fit to the client and use it to develop treatment plans. treatment plans can be developed without a conceptual framework but there won't be any cohesiveness and they're not likely to be effective. i've struggled with conceptualization this year. i've wrestled with it. actually...for a while, i was running away...without knowing it, clouded by my own self-doubt. i'm still learning how to do it...actually...i'm getting better, but it's been really difficult. for a while, i thought the problem was that i didn't really believe any of the theories i'd learned about were the ultimate answer. and that's where i'm caught up....i guess i forgot that it is a HYPOTHESIS. i'm still trying to work out integrating some theoretical perspectives into an overall conceptualization. this is the looming difficulty....that makes all of those little struggles more difficult. this is like realizing the reason that the puzzle pieces don't seem to be fitting together. and actually there are many reasons, but one of them trumps all the rest and this is it. this kind of reminds me of analyzing poetry. here's the imagery, here's the symbolism, here are the similes and metaphors. but where are the themes that tie everything together? this also reminds me of my life. here are my friends in one place, and in another, and in another. here is my family. here could be my profession. or i could be over there. or it could be where i never thought it would go. here are my relationships. and what is it that ties everything together? my belief in interconnectedness? i think it's amusing that all of my struggles seem to come back to one underlying question...that which drives all of my questions...it's the ultimate question...the one i don't really want the answer to, but also the one that all of my actions and ponderings lead back to...it's the existential question. the spiritual one. it's my quest. it's my purpose. how? | 
